January, as much as I’ve tried my best, and mostly failed, the sensation, and the need to succeed, of setting New Year resolutions to challenge me – which usually consists of keeping fit, saving money, with the occasional milestone of moving house or getting a new job – I have yet again been hauled in by the endless possibilities, and ventures, the New Year can bring. With the majority repeating the same, me possibly included, resolutions, it’s tempting to overlook, simply ignore, or, you lucky lot that don’t really need it, self improvements. My small, yet so big, self improvements have usually been putting myself out there with the extra effort it comes with or simply the very small things, still so big, of trying to stick to new habits, which of course I failed so badly, of trying to wake up earlier, read books I wouldn’t usually pick up and now I’m promising myself, with the thought to succeed, just one thing I want to change to improve my state of mind.
Usually I would write down a few goals, or things I want to achieve in the New Year but, the reason I only want to focus on one this year, is not because I don’t want to reach as many goals I have, or maybe don’t have, but because I’ve come to realise that there’s nothing wrong with the 2017 me, which is probably still the 2016 me, or my god the 2012 me. I’m not going to elaborate on the what ifs. What if I did exercise three times a week? What if I did make so many changes and I actually stuck to them? What’s the fun in that? But I would like to focus on one thing, that’s really quite a negative thing, or habit if you will.
I’m sorry, I’m not sorry. Whether I’m satisfying my anxiety, or simply apologising for my existence, I’ve gotten into the habit, which now seems normal, of voicing the words ‘I’m sorry’ or simply ‘sorry.’ You see, the problem is that you dwell on the little things – such as second guessing yourself of when the right time to interrupt someone’s thoughts and, it’s takes over your mind and slowly, very slowly, you begin the habit of apologising for it. I want to be able to ask questions, like general questions I need to progress, sometimes needing to interrupt someone’s train of thought and honestly, just talking, although it doesn’t stop me, as much.
so, there you have it. The one New Years resolution that I’m hoping, and I’ll try my best, that I can confidently change in 2018 onwards. I will no longer apologise and say sorry for my small interruptions, thinking out loud and simply existing.